At the beginning of the year I posted a blog about my "resolution", for lack of a better word, for the year of 2016. I decided that I was going to learn to trust God and asked Him to teach me. Near the end of 2015 I realized my complete lack of trust in my Heavenly Father. My stomach turned at the thought of how many times I tried to take care of things myself instead of letting Him put the pieces together. Despite knowing that He always had my best interest in mind, I acted as if He couldn't possibly know what He was doing and pushed Him away only to be left in tears wondering why things weren't working out.
This year was going to be different. I started off the year by asking Him to make me put my trust in Him, to make me stop relying on myself and start relying on Him through the hard stuff. I knew He would do it, but I didn't know He would take me so seriously. Of course, thinking about it now as I type this, He obviously knew I would need something extreme to happen in order to get it through my stubborn head.
Thus began the year of 2016. January flew by without a hitch, but February hit us like a ton of bricks. Joshua lost his job that month. That was something completely foreign to me. No one I knew had ever lost a job, at least not to my knowledge, so I was lost on what to do, who to call or where to go. The second part of that problem was that I was only working part-time because I was still in school, and I wasn't able to get any more hours than I already had. For about two months we were living off of my 25 hours per week income where I made less per hour than Joshua had at his previous job. To top it off, we had several car issues that needed to be fixed immediately because it made it unsafe to drive. The cost of that was just over $400. Just before all of this happened, our puppy was sick and needed care that added up to almost $300. Those two major expenses combined with a handful of others, combined with the loss of our major income made for a huge financial burden.
All of this came within two weeks of each other. Joshua and I both held it together for as long as we could, but eventually all the tears came out. After a month or so, it got to the point where we had nothing left and I realized that this was my teaching moment. It took me a month to put it all together in my head but I finally understood that this was God taking my 2016 request seriously. He was teaching me to trust Him and rely on Him only. Each day we prayed, spent as little money as possible, paid the bills, applied for jobs, and left the rest up to Him. We took care of the things we were able to take care of and gave the rest to God. This daily cycle seemed never-ending and was emotionally exhausting.
After a couple of weeks, Joshua got an interview for an assistant manager position. We were both overly confident that he would get the job and all would be okay again. I don't know what Joshua was thinking that day, but I know I was feeling pretty darn good about myself. I thought to myself, "see, we've got it all taken care of! We're going to be just fine." A day or two after the interview, Joshua got the call that they went with someone else for the position. It was as if God was saying, "Nope, you haven't learned anything yet, so we're going to keep trying until you understand." God is funny isn't He?
Finally, after worrying for weeks, Joshua and I agreed that we needed to stop worrying, because worrying does not fix anything, We decided that we needed to remain faithful to God and He would take care of everything else. Not long after, we were presented with the option of a job that would provide everything we needed and more financially, but we would have to relocate. Not knowing whether it was right or not, we prayed and asked Him to show us what to do. Joshua applied for the job, not really expecting to get it, and we moved on. We decided that no matter what happened, we were going to be okay with it as long as God was honored in the end.
Around the beginning of April, we got the call that offered Joshua a position for the job he didn't think he would ever get. We were overjoyed but didn't want to rush into anything that wasn't right for us. We took a couple of days to pray about it, asking family and church family to pray for us too. Finally, with an overwhelming sense of peace and confidence, Joshua accepted the position and we are currently in the process of moving to Kansas City. This change is going to be scary but wonderful. God has put all the pieces together perfectly in order for the move to be successful and for Joshua and I to stay at peace. Everything is ready for the move, and we know that God is going to use this time to teach us even more about trusting Him, glorifying Him even in the darkest times, and bringing honor to His name even when (and especially when) we don't want to.
I was sitting in a coffee shop a few weeks ago, feeling anxious about all the details that needed to come together in less than a month, and I randomly opened my Bible to Matthew 6. Here we are told that God cares for even the birds and the lilies, and that He cares for us so much more. I realized that in those couple of months of having nothing left, we were never unable to pay a bill, were never in debt to anyone, and never owed the bank a single cent. Even when all I could see was the areas that were "lacking" in my life, God was holding me, taking care of the details. I cried thinking about my foolishness. How could I ever doubt Him when He has proven to be faithful to me every single day?
I'm not laying it all out like this for anyone to feel sorry for me or to think that I'm trying to make it sound worse than it really was. I don't tell you this story in hopes of looking praiseworthy for all that I did to make it out of the rut. I'm telling this story with all of the details for anyone who may find themselves in the same boat, struggling to trust God. Though it took me 20 years to finally get some sort of grasp on the fact that I can't do it alone, I'm so glad He is taking the time to teach me. Tell you what, it is so much more satisfying to watch things come together when you let God handle it than when you try to do it by yourself. God tells us in scripture that He will provide for our every need (even when what we think we needs and what God thinks we need are often two different things, but that's another post for another time). In Matthew chapter 6 it says that we shouldn't worry about the things of tomorrow, but rather fix our eyes on His Kingdom, living for His glory and not for our own comfort.
I know this is just the beginning of learning to trust God, that I will encounter many more struggles throughout my lifetime and that my life won't be perfect from here on out. God used the first few months of this year to equip me for even bigger trials in the future and for that reason, I am so grateful for the struggle we had to go through in order to be ready for when those trials come.
If you think about it, pray for Joshua and I as we make the move to Kansas City in just a couple of weeks. Pray that we will constantly be reminded of what we have already learned so far about trust, and that God will be glorified everyday throughout our time there. I hope that this will serve as an encouragement to anyone who is currently in a trial period. I urge you to not be angry with God as you go through it. My pastor, Mike Augsburger, had been preaching on Peter, talking about allowing the darkest times in our life to be a teaching period. Don't miss out on the opportunity to learn and grow closer to God. Stay hopeful, knowing that God promises to take care of you and see you out on the other side.
